How to Apologize, Forgive, or Find a Middle Ground

We've all had to apologize to and forgive someone. But we need to learn how to heal without forgiving, a common outcome for survivors of severe harm.

Forgiveness is a personal choice, not a moral mandate. Photo by 卡晨 on Unsplash.

Many situations call for an apology and forgiveness in short order. However, that often leaves victims of severe harm without playbooks for managing feelings about themselves and the people who harmed them.

Whether couched in religious or moral reasons, victims of even horrendous crimes may be pressured to be the bigger person, forgive abusive criminals, and move on.

Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela’s book, A Human Being Died That Night, notes that “forgiveness is not simply meant to relieve victimizers of their guilt, to make things easy for them. Such an interpretation makes forgiveness a further burden for victims.”

Gobodo-Madikizela explores her conflicting feelings about her interviews with South African death squad leader Eugene de Kock. Her human rights work for the Truth and Reconciliation Commission gave her deep, practical insights into confronting not only wrong, but also evil.

Her writing reveals how to apologize, how to forgive, and what to do when forgiveness isn’t an option.